When racing a triathlon (no one simply “participates” in them, you have to be a RACER or you don’t count), one of the best things you can do to boost your skills and demoralize your competition is make it appear that you’re a total badass.
Of course, you’re already a badass, so these tips are about highlighting the already-present inner badass inside you. Be sure to follow all of these tips for maximum bad-assery, especially at your local triathlon where everything is at stake.
10. Take up a lot of space in the transition area.
Transition area too compact. Not a badass athlete.
Badass athletes need more space to contain their awesomeness. Most people will require about 2 feet of horizontal space for their area (including their racked bike, helmet, running stuff and accessories), but true badasses need 6 feet or more!
9. Sprint the finishing chute.
Suck it, 186th place finisher!
Real badasses leave enough in reserve to run the last 50 meters at 5 minute mile pace, obliterating at least 4 racers who were foolish enough to run at a constant pace the whole way. Plus, you’ll look super great in your finishing photo.
8. Bring an unnecessarily tricked out bike to races.
Top speed for true triathlon badasses: 15.3mph
The only bikes you should even consider adding to your arsenal are the ones that cost over $8,000. Even though you can get a bike that is just as fast for $3,000, and a bike that’s 98% as fast for $1,000, there’s something magical about that extra $5-7k you spend. Not sure what that is though.
7. Complain about the post-race food.
Where are the bagels, guys!?
You are a serious bad-ass athlete. You deserve to be completely renourished after a long, tough sprint triathlon. And pizza, clif bars, gatorade, water, GU gels, cookies and pretzels doesn’t cut it.
6. Ride the bike as hard as you can (the run doesn’t matter).
Who cares about running when you look this bad-ass anyway
True bragging rights come from having the 16th fastest OVERALL (OMG!) bike split.
5. Don’t ever acknowledge any volunteers while you’re racing.
Don't even LOOK at the volunteers! Minus 8 badass points for this "triathlete."
You’re too busy kicking ass to bother. Besides, they get a free t-shirt out of it!
4. Do a “flying mount” and a “flying dismount” when exiting T1 and entering T2, respectively.
Minus eleven badass points for not using a disc wheel though.
These are easy ways to save a few seconds on race day that carry no risk whatsoever. No risk of falling on your face, dropping your bike and busting your derailleur. It’s never happened before.
3. Talk about your bike non-stop to whoever will listen.
Yeah, pretty awesome amirite
Before the race to the other racers in attendance (“these carbon skewers save me 2 seconds over 40k!”), during the race (“bet you can’t get much of a draft off of me on my Trek Speed Racer 9000!”) and after the race (“my Zipp 150mm wheels were so fast, but I think I would have been faster if I had gotten the ceramic spoke upgrades”).
2. If you are a man, do not let a woman pass you. Ever.
Pick it up, son!
On the bike, on the run. It doesn’t matter. No man (especially no bad-ass man) has ever been beaten by a woman at anything except billiards and cake decorating, and you’re not about to be the first. Pass her right back, and if she passes you for good after that, she’s doping.
1. Make fun of the 1st time athletes at the race.
What a noob.
It’s part of the “initiation” into the sport of triathlon to get “hazed” at your first event. Just do silly little stuff, like tell them about the 20% hill on the bike (that doesn’t exist), ask them about their training (and then tell them how you doubled their weekly mileage), regale them with stories of how you “won” your first triathlon, and if all else fails, let just a little bit of air out of their tires. They’ll laugh it off after the race and they’ll be even more exited to try another one!
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