Of course, you’re already a badass, so these tips are about highlighting the already-present inner badass inside you.  Be sure to follow all of these tips for maximum bad-assery, especially at your local triathlon where everything is at stake.

10.  Take up a lot of space in the transition area.

Transition area too compact. Not a badass athlete.

Badass athletes need more space to contain their awesomeness.  Most people will require about 2 feet of horizontal space for their area (including their racked bike, helmet, running stuff and accessories), but true badasses need 6 feet or more!

9.  Sprint the finishing chute.

Suck it, 186th place finisher!

Real badasses leave enough in reserve to run the last 50 meters at 5 minute mile pace, obliterating at least 4 racers who were foolish enough to run at a constant pace the whole way.  Plus, you’ll look super great in your finishing photo.

8.  Bring an unnecessarily tricked out bike to races.

Top speed for true triathlon badasses: 15.3mph

The only bikes you should even consider adding to your arsenal are the ones that cost over $8,000.  Even though you can get a bike that is just as fast for $3,000, and a bike that’s 98% as fast for $1,000, there’s something magical about that extra $5-7k you spend.  Not sure what that is though.

7.  Complain about the post-race food.

Where are the bagels, guys!?

You are a serious bad-ass athlete.  You deserve to be completely renourished after a long, tough sprint triathlon.  And pizza, clif bars, gatorade, water, GU gels, cookies and pretzels doesn’t cut it.

6.  Ride the bike as hard as you can (the run doesn’t matter).

Who cares about running when you look this bad-ass anyway

True bragging rights come from having the 16th fastest OVERALL (OMG!) bike split.

5.  Don’t ever acknowledge any volunteers while you’re racing.

Don't even LOOK at the volunteers! Minus 8 badass points for this "triathlete."

You’re too busy kicking ass to bother.  Besides, they get a free t-shirt out of it!

4.  Do a “flying mount” and a “flying dismount” when exiting T1 and entering T2, respectively.

Minus eleven badass points for not using a disc wheel though.

These are easy ways to save a few seconds on race day that carry no risk whatsoever.  No risk of falling on your face, dropping your bike and busting your derailleur.  It’s never happened before.

3.  Talk about your bike non-stop to whoever will listen.

Yeah, pretty awesome amirite

Before the race to the other racers in attendance (“these carbon skewers save me 2 seconds over 40k!”), during the race (“bet you can’t get much of a draft off of me on my Trek Speed Racer 9000!”) and after the race (“my Zipp 150mm wheels were so fast, but I think I would have been faster if I had gotten the ceramic spoke upgrades”).

2.  If you are a man, do not let a woman pass you.  Ever.

Pick it up, son!

On the bike, on the run.  It doesn’t matter.  No man (especially no bad-ass man) has ever been beaten by a woman at anything except billiards and cake decorating, and you’re not about to be the first.  Pass her right back, and if she passes you for good after that, she’s doping.

1.  Make fun of the 1st time athletes at the race.

What a noob.

It’s part of the “initiation” into the sport of triathlon to get “hazed” at your first event.  Just do silly little stuff, like tell them about the 20% hill on the bike (that doesn’t exist), ask them about their training (and then tell them how you doubled their weekly mileage), regale them with stories of how you “won” your first triathlon, and if all else fails, let just a little bit of air out of their tires.  They’ll laugh it off after the race and they’ll be even more exited to try another one!

We’re kicking off the 2010 season here at the Pointy Helmet Coaching blog with a series of “Top 10″ posts. First up is a topic that comes up often in triathlon, whether you’re a beginner or veteran. Our sport attracts all kinds of people who say all kinds of silly things. Here is my Top 10 list of the silliest things that triathletes say!

10.  ”I need as light a bike as possible, because having lightweight equipment is very important.” Unless you’re climbing very steep grades, the weight of your equipment doesn’t really matter in triathlon.  Especially here in pancake-flat Florida, you’re much better served getting equipment that is as *aerodynamic* as possible, such as an aero helmet, deep section wheels and a skintight race suit.  Losing weight off your body always helps, but going from a 21 pound bike to a 19 pound bike will actually not gain you very much time in a steady-state cycling effort.

9.  ”I need to carry all of my nutrition with me during my race.” This depends on the distance you’re racing, but usually this is not necessary.

For triathlons with total duration under 90 minutes, you don’t need any nutrition (except for some water, probably in the form of a single bike bottle) unless it’s very hot or humid.

For races that are 90 minutes-3 hours, you can consider taking in some nutrition if you want, but you can usually get this from the on-course aid stations.

For Half Ironman races and longer, the course will almost certainly have well-stocked aid stations on the bike and run, so all you need to do is carry what you need to get from one aid station to the next.

That means rarely do you need more than 2 bike bottles, huge quantities of gels in your Bento Box, or that cumbersome Fuel Belt on the run.  Carrying less stuff = a more streamlined bike/run = a faster race.

8.  ”My bike is broken; I’ll just have my Local Bike Shop (LBS) fix it.” While sometimes it’s necessary to take your bike into the shop, the majority of bicycle maintenance and repairs can be completed by you, with some knowledge and practice.  I’ll be doing a separate article on this topic in the near future, but you should certainly be able to change your flat tires, clean your bike, adjust the shifting and replace certain parts without having to drop your bike off at your LBS.

7.  ”Doing these squats will help my bike strength.” Cycling is an endurance event.  Even if you’re pushing hard, you’re still doing 90+ “reps” per minute (i.e. each pedal stroke) at a relatively low “weight.”  Any strength training you do should be as specific as possible to your athletic needs, which for most triathletes means a focus on functional strength and injury prevention  High-weight, low-rep squats just don’t fit into that plan for triathletes.  Go ride instead!

6.  ”I can do that flying mount/dismount on race day, even though I’ve never tried it before!” The flying mount is when, exiting T1, you jump on your bike in one swift motion.  The flying dismount is when, approaching T2, you jump off your bike and hit the ground running, literally.  For both maneuvers, your shoes remain clipped to the pedals the whole time.  Both are difficult to do (the mount is harder than the dismount), and unless you practiced before the race, you shouldn’t do the flying mount or dismount.  Too many triathletes have injured themselves (or others) by attempting the flying maneuvers without having mastered them in practice.  You only save a few seconds with each, and if you screw them up you risk injury.  Don’t do these unless you’ve practiced them.

5.  ”Aero helmets look silly.  I won’t be wearing one.” Rubbish!  Pointy Helmets, in terms of “dollars spent per second of time saved” are one of the most efficient ways to spend your equipment budget.  Only aerobars and a skintight suit are more cost-effective.  Once you’ve decided you’re serious about triathlon, go get your aero helmet.  Get one of the ones with the long tail that covers your ears–there are several models on the market that cost between $100 and $200.

4.  ”I’m going to pump my tires to 160psi, that will make me faster!” The notion that higher tire pressure is always better is one of the most common (but easily correctable) misconceptions among cyclists and triathletes.

The reason we use pneumatic tires (i.e. tires with a layer of pressurized air between the tire and the wheel proper) is because the road surface we ride on isn’t perfectly smooth.  The layer of pressurized air absorbs the minor imperfections in the road surface, allowing the wheel to glide along efficiently.  Obviously, if there’s not enough air in the tire, the tire will deform too much, causing increased rolling resistance.  However, if there’s too much air in the tires, the wheel will “bounce” over the imperfections in the road surface, wasting energy with each bounce!

The goal is to put enough air in the tires to minimize tire deformation, but not so much that the wheel bounces around.  For most riders, assuming 20-23mm tire width, this pressure is between 100-125 psi.  Less for smaller riders and rider tires, more for larger riders and narrower tires.

3.  ”You don’t need to buy all that aero equipment.  Just go train more!” This is a false dichotomy.  The amount of training you do is completely independent of the amount of money you spend on equipment.  Spend as much on equipment as your budget can afford, while also training as much as your schedule can allow.  It’s really that simple!

2.  ”I don’t deserve to buy all of that go-fast equipment.” This is the second cousin once removed of #3.  It implies that you’re not fast enough for the aero equipment to make a difference.  The reality is that aero equipment works at all speeds, and in fact will save you *more* raw time at slower speeds!  If it makes you happy to buy that set of aero wheels, then by all means go for it, even if you ride the bike leg of a sprint triathlon at 14mph!

1.  ”People will make fun of me if I show up at my first triathlon with a mountain bike.” False.  We were all new to triathlon at some point.  Doing your first triathlon on whatever bike you already have isn’t embarrassing, it’s a smart financial decision.  If you buy a fancy bike, and then decide after your first race that triathlon isn’t for you, then you’ve just lost a bunch of money.

Besides, most triathletes at your first race will be too absorbed in themselves to even notice you.  Of the 10% that do notice you:

• 30% will smile, and/or offer words of encouragement to you.  Most triathletes recognize that it’s in everyone’s best interest to maintain a positive environment at these races, to encourage triathletes to keep racing.
• 65% will notice you, feel positive toward you, but not say anything.  I fall into this category.  I privately say to myself, “oh cool, a new triathlete–I hope she has a good time today!” but I decide to say nothing because I’m awkward and would probably end up accidentally saying something stupid.
• 5% will make a face at you or say something stupid.  However, these are the sort of people that you’d ignore under normal circumstances–they’re just douchebags.  Take pride in the fact that you’re a better person than them (and you’re probably faster than them)!

So, about 0.5% of triathletes will treat you negatively for bringing a MTB to your first race.  These people are assholes anyway.  The remaining 99.5% will either do nothing or give you positive encouragement.  Ride your mountain bike with pride!